Loops and the Sleepless Nights

Golden Slumbers Fill Your Eyes

There's no sleep to be had in my household (well, none for mom at least). Little Loops is not good at it. She's like a newborn who awakens every two hours or less, but way less floppy and with way more attitude. There's a certain level of anxiety associated with getting into my own bed. Is it worth it to try and fall asleep, only to be abruptly awakened soon thereafter, or should I just stay awake and avoid startling out of a child-free dream? After settling her back down, how much longer do I have before it starts again? There are only four hours left before her brother wakes up and I don't get the chance to even attempt going back to sleep, now three, now two... Does she need a bottle to stave off hunger? Or will that start a bad habit and she'll want one every time she wakes up? Where's the extra pacifiers? Should I change her diaper or will that only intensify her alertness?

She shares a room with her brother and if she wakes him up we're faced with an end-of-times double-baby-crying fest. The battle has ended, or only just begun, or I'm not even sure because did I even fall asleep between the last waking and this one or was I just closing my eyes and why are the birds so loud at 4am? 

Don't even get me started on darkness induced toe stubs.

Considering having a baby?

Well, why don't you give your tolerance of sleep deprivation a test drive! Set your alarm to go off every two hours. Now, don't cheat and hit snooze; get out of your bed and stand in another room for at least 10 minutes, maybe rock back and forth a bit, or jostle around with a ten pound bag of flour or two. Good! Repeat in two hours. (For extra credit, play a sound during those ten minutes that grates your nerves on an instinctual level!) Now, set your alarm for 45 minutes before you actually need to be awake for work for the day, or whatever it is people do during the day, because that is prime baby wake up time. How do you feel? Not so bad? Now try every day for a year. 

How about now?

I mean, babies are cute and life-affirming and all, but that is reality right there. It ain't glamorous for sure. There comes a point when rational thinking becomes a thing of the past. Heard of pregnancy brain? Sleepless brain is worse. Of course I can't remember where my passport is, I can't remember what day it is. Yes, I just put the nipple to the bottle on the gallon of milk and the milk lid on the bottle. Yes, I forgot to feed the dog, but he did get some uneaten lunch and breakfast from the kids as it was thrown on the floor. YES, I count that as cleaning the floor. 

And then there's the inner fuming white-hot fury whenever anyone else uses the phrase "I'm so tired" because, oh really? Smile and nod, smile and nod, my friend. It's going to be really hard to stop that rant once you start it. Try not to take your husband's peaceful snoring too personally. Or the never ending list of "helpful advice" that has never worked ever. Just accept it. It makes it so much easier to accept knowing that it is going to happen every night and there's nothing you can do about it.

This is starting to sound really bad...

But don't worry, babies have that whole built-in cuteness going for them that aides in their survival. And while you may feel like this:

That little baby will still have moments like this:

And while you wonder how they even have the energy to make that cute face, you find yourself smiling. You're still rubbing your eyes and finding mascara on your fingers from who knows when, and you're still yawning so wide you could fit that baby's head in there, but you're smiling. Just as you are scribbling "Free to Good Home" on the side of a cardboard box to put on the street corner, that child intervenes in the form of a head rested on your shoulder, a wet snotty kiss, a squealing laugh or a little booty dancing to her favorite song and you think "I mean, I guess I can keep her a little while longer."

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when that little body has finally gotten heavy and still in your arms, joyful tears will flow down your face. And not because she has finally fallen asleep (though that happens too), but because she is so damn beautiful, and you are so damn lucky to breathe the same air as her. You'll be so tired that every part of your body will ache, but you will hold her a little longer just to look at the curve of her nose and the fullness of her lips. You will close your eyes and promise to remember her in this moment forever.

Love abounding, my friends. Love abounding.